On my computer I have installed some of the finest software to make my computer run faster, smoother, safer and with fewer crashes. The reality of these additions is I now have icons on my screen hauntingly reminding me that I haven't got much more than a clue about how to make them work. People often desire to upgrade or improve the quality of how their partner relates with them. Often a couple or person enters therapy with the notion that if their partner would improve then things in the relationship would become excellent. It is as though the person wants the therapist to install some sort of fancy software in the other person and then reboot the whole system.

The trouble with any upgrade or new program is each creates a new piece of learning or skill development which has to be mastered. Manuals have to be read, options explored and procedures experimented with. Only if the consumer is willing to put in the time and energy to build knew skills and knowledge is the upgrade worth its original expense.

The same phenomenon occurs in how we relate to our partners. Each improvement desired requires the "user" to become skilled and proficient in new ways. Yet in therapy I rarely hear a client say "upgrade me" so they can become capable of maximizing the potential of their primary relationship.
Many people approach how they relate in their primary partnership as though the skills are automatic. Any failure, or most failures, are seen as the other person's fault. On the occasion when a person does admit to a personal lack it is often brushed away by saying "this is who I am". However, we aren't born knowing how to master the intricacies of relating to another person. For most of us it took almost all of the first grade to learn the alphabet, a few spelling rules and how to add and subtract. After 5 hours a day, 5 days a week of endless repetition we finally mastered these minimal basics. Then summer came and we took 3 months off. Our poor second grade teacher spent the entire first month retraining us in skills we thought we had mastered. Sadly, few adults are willing to even consider spending 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, learning to communicate with their primary partner. No wonder after 10 or more years together many couples still feel as if their relationship is in the second grade.

The first step in learning to relate optimally and in learning to protect our partners is to be willing to upgrade ourselves. When you seek to improve the quality of your life together then I would suggest you begin with a rigorous and honest self evaluation. This evaluation can begin by utilizing the following six questions.

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