Manjit Handa
A woman. Age 59. Her life, a story to reckon with. Worth listening to. At least all the women up there should. Let us call her “P”.
P had five half brothers and sisters whom, she claims, she never came to know. Her mother was married to a man named Tim (name changed). He was abusive in nature so her mother went on to marry his brother named Jack (name changed). No better as a person, he turned out to be P’s father. P’s mother was “emotionally” a very “cold” woman, she recalls.
Her childhood is nothing but a long journey of sexual abuse and violence. If Tim was “alcoholic”, Jack was abusive too. Before the age of three, P’s family had lived in a “shack” in the woods, two miles from other houses. P was always “scared” as a child. By the age of four, P’s father had been taken away and her mother left her and one of her siblings, her brother, at a friend’s place whose name was Maria and herself moved on to another part of Nova Scotia with the other kids. Maria (name changed) was a 22 yr old woman who lived with her husband Jimmy.
This was a house where physical abuse was routine stuff. Maria herself was abusive and when P came back from school, Maria would be hiding behind the door, wearing scary, Halloween-like outfits, to scare her. Or else she told her stories of “headless” men. While Jimmy (name changed) was away at work, Maria had a lot of men coming in. These were the men who sexually abused P. When Jimmy came home, he pretended that he was trying to protect her from Maria whereas actually he too took her away and abused her.
As a child P recalls seeing a lot of people having sex in Maria’s house. She vividly remembers a girl named Stacey (name changed) who visited there, about 12 or 13 yrs old, was being abused too. Various times P tried to contact her mother by writing letters but nothing happened. Later P came to know that Maria always stole her letters. From somewhere P came to know that her mother was in Toronto so she wanted to contact her. This was the time her school teacher, Margaret Faulkner came to her rescue. She promised to mail the letter for her and within three weeks of mailing this letter, P’s mother did turn up and took her along.
By that time P had also started having “epileptic seizures”. In Toronto, P’s mother lived with another man and was running a boarding house consisting twenty one men. There, there were no cases of “rape” there but there still was a lot of “sexually inappropriate” stuff happening with me. But for P this was still “a lot better” than where she had come from. She also made few friends around that place and in school and felt quite “normal”. But in school she never developed any “confidence”, thought she was “stupid” and remained “afraid”. She had joined her Mom when she was around 13 but left her by the age of 16 because of tensions ensuing between her Mom and the man she lived with.
At 17, she met a married man with whom she moved to Barrie. At 18, she had her first child with him. Her mother was no support to P during that time and told her that she would “find out” what it was like, to have a baby when P had wanted to know from her. A year later P had her next child from the same man but since she did not have enough means to support, the children were given away for adoption. Few years later she had another child who too met the same fate, adoption. P regrets not having been able to take care of these children and feels happy that these kids are all back in her life now and call her “Mom”. The eldest, a daughter, died of cancer, two years back.
When P was 25 yrs old, her mother passed away. It is surprising that P never talked about all the abuse she went through to anyone because she thought it was “normal” to be abused. In 1968, P met a man named Harry, who was “good” to her. They got married and had lived together for sometime when a certain experience led her to a psychiatrist. The doctor thought it was because of the death of her mother. For therapy, he used “primal scream therapy”, put a chair in front of her and told that her mother was sitting in it and she had to say “goodbye” to her. P screamed at the thought.
“Valium” was prescribed for her to get her through it and she remembers that for the first time she felt “whole” but fears now that it was only a “hook” for her. Now for long time to come she could not have come off the drugs. In fact more and various psychiatric drugs were prescribed. At one point, she was (mis)diagnosed a “paranoid schizophrenic” and “psychotic”. She also attempted suicide three times, ended up in bubble room psychiatric wards and would normalize for a while. She felt normal for a while and would soon “fall apart”. Her marriage with Harry broke up when she was 31 because he could no more “deal” with her.
Doctors told him she would never be alright and was “closed” to normal functioning human being. She too had come to terms with the idea that something was inherently wrong with her. From age 25 to 35 she remained on drugs. Thereafter she stopped visiting doctors, stopped taking prescription drugs but did not physically feel alright. However, she started to work now and life stabilized for a while.
The major breakthrough came at the age 41 while she was watching a documentary on the TV done by a woman called, “To a Safer Place”. This woman had suffered child abuse too. As the documentary ended, P went to the bathroom and had a vision of “two men in black suits taking her to a field”. That was a ”liberating and devastating” moment for her. She suddenly knew what was wrong with her. For three long weeks she cried, on and off. But that acted as a catharsis. It sent her on a new, fresh path. She knew she could heal herself.
She contacted the Sexual Assault Center in Toronto, took therapy, joined groups of survivors and so on. It helped no doubt, but it was a woman called Susan Wattman, whom P considers a catalyst for a vital change in her life. P had gone to a workshop series called “Beyond Survival”. Fortunately she got an appointment with her which took P three months but it was worth a try. Susan changed P’s perspective towards life, gave it an all-new definition. P fondly recalls Susan’s “complete acceptance of the essence of who she was”. P found a decent job now, a better one after these meetings with Susan…
Her message for all the women who at any point in their life have suffered abuse:
“Don’t ever give up, don’t ever count yourself out, do whatever you have to and take as long as it takes to find someone to work with you who will honor your humanity and that can be the beginning point of true healing of human spirit, not just the damage done, but the spirit of who you are can be healed by being in the company of people that honor every part of you…”
Her way of finding remedies:
“Use the medical profession but be sure to find alternatives. Reach out to find people to support you. Find the strength to reach out. Talk to people on the phone. Start with “crisis centers”. See strong women who are in control of their life.
For the society at large her message:
“There is something wrong with the education at home. Mothers can play a good role teaching boys an adequate amount of sensitivity and respect towards women”.
A one liner that inspired P:
“Learn to love yourself”
She is Peggyanne Mansfield. Works as a Woman’s Resource Coordinator at The Women’s Center, 75 MacNab Street, Hamilton, Ontario. Not just another woman, but a Hero (Heroine?). A force to reckon with.
Note: Some names in this article are changed.
As narrated to Parmjit Singh
