by Manjit Handa
There is one thing common with all the people who are faced with unusual odds and obstacles and that is—they always look for strength, chutzpah, inspiration or encouragement within themselves and in the long run it is only that, which keeps them going.
An Indian Punjabi in origin, Prem Behl had one son when she came to Canada with her husband. Soon after, her second son was born. The marriage and her family life was not a happy affair for she suffered a lot of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of her alcoholic husband.
No one can fight destiny but whatever it offers us in the form of happiness or physical, mental and emotional pain, it is the acceptance of “the condition” without over-reacting and finding strategies to live a quality life...
Due to the family pressure and conservative Indian upbringing it took Prem as long as eleven years to walk out of the torture she was suffering. At one point, she recalls she had left her husband and even taken refuge in a shelter along with her two kids but within two months, the Indian community intervened and persuaded her to get back to her husband making her believe that things will sooner or later fall back in place. Her husband was not only abusive to her but also the kids whom he actually wanted to “control”. The one and half year after his comeback was the worst time of her life. She was even more scared of her husband all the time. On one occasion while he was drunk, he beat her up and passed out. Just then she had an ulcer attack. The kids were asleep and she had to go to the hospital. Reaching there, she was asked about the blue-black marks on her body. That is when she thought it was time to tell.
A case ensued against her husband and initially their friends stood by her husband’s side staying witness against her but gradually after the DNA test when her husband was found guilty they retreated for the fear of being considered a party to her maltreatment. After a two and half year trial her husband was sent to jail for three and half years.
Next she joined Family Counseling in Burlington, Ontario, which is where she lived and got a support group. In the due course she lost almost all the Indian friends, some of which took her husband’s side and the rest were so confused to be supportive. Even her parental family and brothers were not happy with that stigmatic “divorce”. As a result Prem got “detached” from the Indian community and eventually made some Canadian friends. Her two sons also had a typical Canadian upbringing (which she does not regret in the least) and today they both have Canadian girlfriends.
Prem got remarried after a few years to a religious Indian Sikh man with whom she was blissfully happy and even had a daughter (studying in fourth grade) but unfortunately she had a workplace mishap in the year 2003 that has further warped her life. This is a company (where she was working for almost seventeen to eighteen years) where she was pulling a bench which was stuck to a sticky surface and in that process of pulling she twisted her back. Ever since, she has been suffering from an acute back pain. Unable to work she discontinued going to her job. The company wrote to her asking to come back soon but as she could not even drive at that time, she refused to join. She also sought the help of her doctor who wrote to her employer about her critical condition. But they did not pay a heed and terminated her job. She also offered later to join for short hours of work but they would not agree to that. She got a lawyer so that she got compensation but they were of no help she thinks, because generally they did not return calls or even if they did they have however not been able to get her justice. She is merely a file number for them. The thing that hurts her the most is, that a company where she worked for so long as almost two decades could not even provide her with a compensatory plan. Ever since 2003, Prem is on medication, emotionally unstable and depressed. She takes pain killers and is on anti-depressants.
Prem’s strategies of coping with pain apart from pills:
(a) She joined a pain management clinic where she learned the art of “what she can do now, rather than what she used to do”.
(b) Going spiritual—a practicing Sikh she listens to shabads (hymns) and says prayers regularly.
(c) Does meditation and relaxation exercises including yoga and breathing exercises.
(d) Knowledge helps—She does a lot of reading on health issues, yoga and Ayurveda.
Her message to the readers:
“Don’t ever give up, Keep fighting. You might not be a winner, but it has to go on”.
Her only regret in life:
Wanted to study more. Was married off very young. Family did not give her a chance.
Her suggestion for the Indian parents:
Should not force their opinions on their kids and let them make their own choices be it life in general or choosing life-partners.
After all this, Prem does not blame anybody for anything. She has no grudges against anybody and believes that its “you yourself” who can make your life either happy or miserable. So there is no question of blaming anybody.
Given another chance to re-live her life or even given another chance of a painless healthy life, she would like to volunteer and do some social work for the community.
No one can fight destiny but whatever it offers us in the form of happiness or physical, mental and emotional pain, it is the acceptance of “the condition” without over-reacting and finding strategies to live a quality life within those strictures without feeling a thread of jealousy for the better placed, that one can be truly considered a valiant warrior. Prem has already reached that high point.
And we grant her that cachet!
